Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Santa Claus Charged With Benefice

Is this Santa's Church in Arctic Village?
by Robert L. Gisel

 An investigative team is in Alaska trying to track down Santa Claus, to get some hard answers from the internationally renown world traveler and philanthropist, who appears to be in hot water.

 It has been determined Mr. Claus, who also uses the aliases Saint Nicholas, Saint Nick, Father Christmas and Kris Kringle, is the single most sought individual for answers to the real concerns of peoples today. It is yet to be decided whether he has been answering the questions or causing their origination. For this reason he has been accused by overzealous Prosecuting Attorney Ebenezer Scrooge of deceitful manipulation of information to children of the world, insider trading called gifting, and discretionary favoritism.

 The Prosecutor further alleges he has evidence of a Santa's List with naughty and nice designations. Scrouge claims that on the charge of benefice alone, if found guilty, Santa could be looking at hard time for 6 billion counts of a 100 years.

 The intensity of the widespread search to find the fugitive Santa Claus is so much more than previous years there has been a record high disrespect to the pretend Santa's in the malls of the world. This has resulted in unprecedented reports and more than the usual number of complaints filed for pulled beards and exploratory punches to the stomach pillows.

 Rumor has it that a log cabin church in Arctic Village in the Brooks Range is being staked out for the possible appearance of the famed woolen-garbed jet setter. The sagging roof is believed to be the indication of repeated landing of a reindeer sleigh. Special hoards of eggnog and cookies were flown in for a sting operation to attempt to snare the suspect.

 Some of the burning questions flooding in to his usual hideout in North Pole, Alaska, which been of highest interest are these:

-- What effect will today's economy have on Santa's deliveries this year?
-- Is good will and giving as important as it used to be?
-- Has joy to the world lost its meaning?
-- Will the loss of value in the world's currencies falsely inflate the value of loving friendships?

 In spite of satellite surveillance and drone technologies Santa has miraculously managed to fly under the radar and escape detection. Numerous Elves have been pulled in for questioning as to Santa's whereabouts but no data is forthcoming.

 Mrs. Claus is quoted as saying "Santa is such a quizitive youngster, there's no telling where he and the Elves are playing today." As the Prosecutor says, "This Claus fellow has been illegally crossing borders, transporting goods with no customs checks, or any regard for hallowed authority. We have got to crack down on this beneficious giving before people start getting the idea it is possible to live free and be happy."

 The reward of great satisfaction is being offered to any verified leads on Santa's whereabouts. Just leave the data in the comments below.


1 comment:

Robert L. Gisel said...

Flash Update: It has been reported that the border drones have made an unconfirmed sighting of Santa's sleigh heading into the US.

Unofficial claims have been made that the drone have shot down the sleigh. Contrary reports say that the flying sleigh was too cold for the heat seeking missiles to find a target. Another speculation is the sleigh is garnished in mistletoe toe and the love proved to be an effective diversion.

Stay posted for announcement of further events as they occur.